Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from… — Jack Handey
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,… — Jack Handey
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or… — Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then… — Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try… — Jack Handey
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. — Jack Handey
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just… — Jack Handey
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next… — Jack Handey
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way… — Jack Handey
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was… — Jack Handey
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really… — Jack Handey
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her… — Jack Handey
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag… — Jack Handey
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I… — Jack Handey
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you… — Jack Handey
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size,… — Jack Handey
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. — Jack Handey
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me." — Jack Handey
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out. — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: