"Laurie got offended that I used the word……" — Jack Handey
"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
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Jack Handey
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397 Quotes by Jack Handey
Jack Handey has 397 quotes on this site.
A few more worth reading:
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have…
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
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People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,…
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived…
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me…
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's…
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that…
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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around…
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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the…
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I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy…
See all 397 quotes by Jack Handey »
More Deep Thought Quotes
This quote is filed under Deep Thought Quotes,
one of 444 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:
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The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.
— Aristotle
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Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.
— Aristotle
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What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.
— Aristotle
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To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.
— Leonard Bernstein
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Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard
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Humor is just another defense against the universe.
— Mel Brooks
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When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful…
— Leo Burnett
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No pressure, no diamonds.
— Thomas Carlyle
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In the uttermost meaning of the words, thought is devout, and devotion is thought. Deep calls unto deep.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
— Bruce Lee
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I never could do anything with figures, never had any talent for mathematics, never accomplished anything in my efforts at…
— Mark Twain
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The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shown by mans attaining to a higher eminence,…
— Charles Darwin
See all 444 Deep Thought Quotes »
