Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you… — Jack Handey
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size,… — Jack Handey
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. — Jack Handey
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me." — Jack Handey
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out. — Jack Handey
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? — Jack Handey
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of… — Jack Handey
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and… — Jack Handey
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!,… — Jack Handey
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a… — Jack Handey
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around. The… — Jack Handey
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust… — Jack Handey
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding… — Jack Handey
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and… — Jack Handey
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get… — Jack Handey
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. — Jack Handey
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is,… — Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. — Jack Handey
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? — Jack Handey
As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more… — Jack Handey
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five… — Jack Handey
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in… — Jack Handey
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. — Jack Handey
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: