Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has… — Jack Handey
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,… — Jack Handey
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet,… — Jack Handey
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey… — Jack Handey
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face… — Jack Handey
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't… — Jack Handey
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood… — Jack Handey
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort… — Jack Handey
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from… — Jack Handey
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,… — Jack Handey
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or… — Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then… — Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try… — Jack Handey
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. — Jack Handey
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just… — Jack Handey
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next… — Jack Handey
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way… — Jack Handey
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was… — Jack Handey
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really… — Jack Handey
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her… — Jack Handey
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag… — Jack Handey
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: