Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. — Jack Handey
You will find God in the church of your choice. — Bob Dylan
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. — Jack Handey
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a… — Jack Handey
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think… — Jack Handey
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time… — Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on… — Jack Handey
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I… — Jack Handey
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some… — Jack Handey
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. — Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's… — Jack Handey
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her… — Jack Handey
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him… — Jack Handey
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be… — Jack Handey
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,… — Jack Handey
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. — Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that… — Jack Handey
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the… — Jack Handey
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they… — Jack Handey
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the… — Jack Handey
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be… — Jack Handey
Anytime destruction of another is needed in order to advance one's own aims or goals, then the goals need to be reevaluated. — David White
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only… — Jack Handey
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: