Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both… — Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. — Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has… — Jack Handey
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of… — Jack Handey
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which… — Jack Handey
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns… — Jack Handey
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people… — Jack Handey
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling… — Jack Handey
Whenever I need to "get away", I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and… — Jack Handey
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside,… — Jack Handey
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,… — Jack Handey
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he… — Jack Handey
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn… — Jack Handey
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. — Jack Handey
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? — Jack Handey
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: