Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the… — Jack Handey
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no… — Jack Handey
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also… — Jack Handey
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem… — Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I… — Jack Handey
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can… — Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like… — Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. — Jack Handey
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having… — Jack Handey
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. — Jack Handey
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out… — Jack Handey
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water… — Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.… — Jack Handey
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the… — Jack Handey
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once… — Jack Handey
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I… — Jack Handey
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in… — Jack Handey
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the… — Jack Handey
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: