Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just… — Jack Handey
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! — Jack Handey
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but… — Jack Handey
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little… — Jack Handey
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. — Jack Handey
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I… — Jack Handey
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's… — Jack Handey
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume… — Jack Handey
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I… — Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. — Jack Handey
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred… — Jack Handey
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not… — Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for… — Jack Handey
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up. — Jack Handey
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could… — Jack Handey
A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.) — Jack Handey
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into… — Jack Handey
I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. — Jack Handey
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going… — Jack Handey
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. — Jack Handey
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a… — Jack Handey
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull… — Jack Handey
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: