Deep Thought Quotes
444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors
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Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we…
— Jack Handey
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Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be…
— Jack Handey
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I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a…
— Jack Handey
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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?
— Jack Handey
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I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
— Jack Handey
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I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."
— Jack Handey
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I think man invented the car by instinct.
— Jack Handey
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I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my…
— Jack Handey
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I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
— Jack Handey
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I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be…
— Jack Handey
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I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
— Jack Handey
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I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
— Jack Handey
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If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people…
— Jack Handey
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Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.
— Jack Handey
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One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
— Jack Handey
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One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
— Jack Handey
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Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so…
— Jack Handey
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber…
— Jack Handey
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When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too…
— Jack Handey
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Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In…
— Jack Handey
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If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking…
— Jack Handey
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If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you…
— Jack Handey
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Prayer doesn’t work. Perhaps it makes the believer feel better (in the same way that meditation or deep thought would), but prayer doesn’t actually affect…
— David G. McAfee
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Civilization has made man, if not always more bloodthirsty, at least more viciously, more horribly bloodthirsty.
— Fyodor Dostoevsky
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If they drive God from the earth, we shall shelter Him underground.
— Fyodor Dostoevsky
Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes
83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: