Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we… — Jack Handey
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be… — Jack Handey
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a… — Jack Handey
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence! — Jack Handey
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." — Jack Handey
I think man invented the car by instinct. — Jack Handey
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my… — Jack Handey
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. — Jack Handey
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be… — Jack Handey
I wonder if angels believe in ghosts. — Jack Handey
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks. — Jack Handey
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people… — Jack Handey
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals. — Jack Handey
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?" — Jack Handey
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. — Jack Handey
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so… — Jack Handey
Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber… — Jack Handey
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too… — Jack Handey
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In… — Jack Handey
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking… — Jack Handey
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you… — Jack Handey
Prayer doesn’t work. Perhaps it makes the believer feel better (in the same way that meditation or deep thought would), but prayer doesn’t actually affect… — David G. McAfee
Civilization has made man, if not always more bloodthirsty, at least more viciously, more horribly bloodthirsty. — Fyodor Dostoevsky
If they drive God from the earth, we shall shelter Him underground. — Fyodor Dostoevsky

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: