Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking,… — Jack Handey
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping… — Jack Handey
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. — Jack Handey
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be… — Jack Handey
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher.… — Jack Handey
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as… — Jack Handey
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call… — Jack Handey
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! — Jack Handey
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good… — Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm… — Jack Handey
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts… — Jack Handey
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar." — Jack Handey
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. — Jack Handey
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by… — Jack Handey
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth… — Jack Handey
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to… — Jack Handey
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. — Jack Handey
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow… — Jack Handey
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker… — Jack Handey
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground… — Jack Handey
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count… — Jack Handey
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: