“If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something… — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“An empty handshake, devoid of cash, is like a high-five, minus ten. ” — Jarod Kintz Empty hands Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cape, when I’m practicing my anti-superhero drills in Grandmother’s basement and defying her wishes to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some… — Jarod Kintz Fast food Copy Share Image
“I’m like Mary Annette, but I’m not a marionette. Who’s Mary Annette? The first woman of color to be elected to Phi… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I don’t get offended when you talk about the Japanese. Not because I’m not one, but because I’m not 120 million of… — Jarod Kintz Japanese Copy Share Image
“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like that?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t just have arms to embrace you; it also has arms that attach to the hands that slowly strangle you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.” — Jarod Kintz Friday night Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Peanut butter Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so… — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz True story Copy Share Image
“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
