“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I decide to scope out craigslist to see all the vibrant economic employment opportunities available to me in this depression. Oh, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that's what my mechanic tells me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“If love were a collection of collections, would your relationship be banged-up baseball cards, or famous art? My love for you is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m in love with the customer service at Walmart. And by customer service I mean the customer is forced to self-checkout because… — Jarod Kintz Customer service Copy Share Image
“If I were the color blue, and you were the color orange, I wouldn't want you around all the time, because who… — Jarod Kintz Color blue Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent a thing. Now this thing is curious, because it represents an idea. This idea is… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I have an electric blanket, but I think it’s criminal to use it any time other than when I’m sitting in my… — Jarod Kintz Electric chair Copy Share Image
“-My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My name is Aviva. It’s not male, and it’s not female, but it is a palindrome—which makes it hermaphroditic, as it occupies… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“One of my seminars is “Leadership in the 20th century: How being a century behind still puts you ahead of all your… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next… — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time. ” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had an ass behind her that went on for days. In fact, I’m still talking about her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
