“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.” — Jarod Kintz Marco polo Copy Share Image
“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.” — Jarod Kintz Alarm clock Copy Share Image
“I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of thinking about Agatha. Well, not about her, but about my loss of her. Today I went through some old… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you… — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)” — Jarod Kintz Fair share Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We went for a walk, though we didn’t hold hands because we went in separate directions.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she… — Jarod Kintz New girl Copy Share Image
“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom. And I am the flute at the nudist colony, if you know what… — Jarod Kintz Animal kingdom Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a nervous lips tick, so naturally I try to cover it up with lipstick.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
