“Through the fog Orafoura said, “Those people are black.” “I know,” I said, “they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an… — Jarod Kintz Arnold Palmer Copy Share Image
“In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that's logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens… — Jarod Kintz Lala Land Copy Share Image
“I want a Snuggle Sandwich—hold the pickle. Make it a combo and upsize it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A… — Jarod Kintz Big idea Copy Share Image
“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ” — Jarod Kintz Intelligence Copy Share Image
“4:00 am—it’s not too early to drink wine, it’s too late. Too late by seven minutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Too early Copy Share Image
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind… — Jarod Kintz Lonely people Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends… — Jarod Kintz Mom Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it… — Jarod Kintz Cold night Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.” — Jarod Kintz French toast Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
