“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a car salesman. (A used car salesman.) ” — Jarod Kintz Car salesman Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Founding fathers Copy Share Image
“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.” — Jarod Kintz Fried chicken Copy Share Image
“If my moles migrated like tiny buffaloes, then I’d let you hunt on my skin and camp out on my nipples. We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.” — Jarod Kintz Walking around Copy Share Image
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your… — Jarod Kintz Breeze Copy Share Image
“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Unsung Heroes Copy Share Image
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With cars I like newer models, but with people I like older models. Why aren’t there more walkers on fashion runways?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A whisper is like the shadow of a shout. My shout’s a little too green if I let it grow in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My voice is raspy, like Rasputin’s beard. My love is like a mustache hidden in a patch of armpit hair. Come, feel… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You can call me Dr. Love. I’ve got a PhD from Cupid University. My degree came with a side order of fries… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.” — Jarod Kintz Positive Copy Share Image
