“The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“The answer is three, I said as I held up three fingers—my middle through my pinky—and I formed a loop with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can… — Jarod Kintz Reality tv Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard… — Jarod Kintz Gorgeous Woman Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.” — Jarod Kintz Home Copy Share Image
“The phrase “In the blink of an eye” is misleading, because one eye closing and opening is not a blink—it’s a wink.” — Jarod Kintz Blink of an eye Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My office window overlooks a parking lot. I’ve got the best view on the whole submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead… — Jarod Kintz Credit card Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The lawyer said he couldn’t take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When 100 people in a room are all talking about me, is it called networking—or the benefits of cloning?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Secure victory before you celebrate. Only a fool dances before crossing the finish line first.” — Jarod Kintz Celebrate Copy Share Image
