Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

— Dave Barry

Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a…

— Dave Barry

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just…

— Dave Barry

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

— Dave Barry

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

— Dave Barry

I've been to Washington many times over the years for stories, and it always seems remarkably the same. More the same than…

— Dave Barry

...and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what…

— Dave Barry

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

— Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come…

— Dave Barry

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading…

— Dave Barry

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed…

— Dave Barry

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far…

— Dave Barry

Weddings are crazy. When you get right down to it, a wedding is a party, and not an important party, really. But…

— Dave Barry

He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when…

— Dave Barry

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to…

— Dave Barry

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is…

— Dave Barry

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask…

— Dave Barry

The problem was that Panama technically belonged to Colombia, which refused to sign a treaty leasing it to the United States. So…

— Dave Barry

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

— Dave Barry

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out…

— Dave Barry

“Shall we go to Bethlehem, men? Or shall we DANCE”

— Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate

— Dave Barry

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

— Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there…

— Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes…

— Dave Barry