If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
