At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
