I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
