I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing! — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
