I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
