Receipts Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

— Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

— Rodney Dangerfield