Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
