My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
