You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I still think of myself as a newspaper guy and you live by deadlines in the newspaper world, so, they don't really… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The newspaper industry when I came along in the mid-70s was rich and powerful and growing and hungry for material and open… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm always writing new books so I don't dwell on the ones I've already done. I think that's a habit from being… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
