I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
