Jokes Quotes by Woody Allen

“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of…

— Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

— Woody Allen

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and…

— Woody Allen

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public…

— Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

— Woody Allen

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could…

— Woody Allen

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

— Woody Allen

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't…

— Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

— Woody Allen

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

— Woody Allen

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

— Woody Allen

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

— Woody Allen

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

— Woody Allen

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

— Woody Allen