I once told a journalist that girls call me 'Kitten,' but I couldn't have been more sarcastic, and no matter how many… — Joaquin Phoenix Copy Share Image
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
A good joke will sell quicker than a good poem, and, measured in sweat and blood, will bring better remuneration. — Jack London Copy Share Image
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
I used to crack A joke when Sourav Ganguly is upset and make him happy , i usually speak in bengali which… — Sachin Tendulkar Copy Share Image
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I know the M-word makes you nervous, but yeah. I'm talking about the big, permanent friendship. A little different from what Joe… — Suzanne Brockmann Copy Share Image
It is natural that people do not want to be involved with us too much. There is no problem down to the… — Reinhard Heydrich Copy Share Image
Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?” “It’s Frodo,” he said over… — Eric Edstrom Copy Share Image
Great short stories and great jokes have a lot in common. Both depend on what communication-theorists sometimes called "exformation," which is a… — David Foster Wallace Copy Share Image
The White Company offers its loyalists an altogether better, whiter world. The White people have edited out any colours that aren't white,… — Peter York Copy Share Image
If the clockwork universe equated the human body with the mechanics of the clock, the digital universe now equates human consciousness with… — Douglas Rushkoff Copy Share Image
Take care, Jeffy. I’ll see you soon, right? Just remember not to throw food at the nurses. I don’t want to get… — Jordan Sonnenblick Copy Share Image
Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle - and not just in… — Bono Copy Share Image
I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist - Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of… — Karen DeCrow Copy Share Image
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed… — Gene Perret Copy Share Image
There can be a science to joke writing, there are certainly rules and patterns that can be followed, but I think most… — Robin Ince Copy Share Image
When people come in to act on the show, we say, "Just be extremely dry and not funny. Let the idea be… — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
I actually imagined 'Thunderbolts' as a straight-up comedy book in a lot of ways, like a very dark comedy book, whereas 'Red… — Charles Soule Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say...Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend? — Jimmy Kimmel Copy Share Image
I joke, but I only half joke, that if you come to one of our hospitals missing a limb, no one will… — Abraham Verghese Copy Share Image
My cock got caught in my zipper today…at least that's what I'm telling my wife when she sees the teeth marks on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle... and not just in the… — Bono Copy Share Image
Whenever someone says This day couldn't get any worse I immediately punch them in nose & ask Are you sure about that? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000, but I will not make that mistake again. The joke is over for Nader. He… — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
A nickname may be the best record of a success. That's what I call putting the face of a joke upon the… — Joseph Conrad Copy Share Image
A Swedish newspaper reporter called and said, You've been awarded the Prize. I was quite sure it was a practical joke. — Joshua Lederberg Copy Share Image
I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny...I do… — David Rees Copy Share Image
I've never had sex. Never wanted to. Not with a man or a woman or an animal, though my family jokes about… — Marie Phillips Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The thing about all good horror movies is that the fans expect a couple of inside jokes. Maybe I'm supposed to be… — Margot Kidder Copy Share Image
I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing.… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's… — David Byrne Copy Share Image
