My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim's 'I Remember Sky.' It's probably the saddest song of all time; I… — Laura Benanti Copy Share Image
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You are so lame. You always disappoint me. It's kind of like our running joke but it's really not funny and I… — Ani DiFranco Copy Share Image
If you dont come home and immediately either take off your pants or change into pajamas then Im sorry but youre living… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you can make others laugh with jokes that belittle no one and your words always unite, Hafiz will vote for you… — Hafez Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um...… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton wouldn't have make a joke about wiping the server clean with a towel or now we find out about bashing… — Eric Bolling Copy Share Image
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a… — Chris Tucker Copy Share Image
When someone new comes on and has their first nude scene - and even if it's not full nudity - it's always… — Deborah Ann Woll Copy Share Image
My parents left Iran in 1979 and moved to France and then moved to the U.S. My brother was born in France… — Rostam Batmanglij Copy Share Image
What makes a good animated movie is being able to balance adult and knowing in-jokes and also just out and out funny… — Benedict Cumberbatch Copy Share Image
Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold… — Spencer W. Kimball Copy Share Image
To this day, to this very day, except for television, I've never had a writer. Anything I've ever done on the stage,… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
“No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?" "Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now." "I guess that… — Kevin Sylvester Copy Share Image
I do suppose what any political satire, what any political joke can count as a gaffe or a possible career-ending move. It… — Timothy Simons Copy Share Image
I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I'm the worst. I like physical comedy; it's where I feel comfortable. — Malin Akerman Copy Share Image
I was walking around with my GF when she started playing a Bieber song on cell & now there's vomit all over… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
An ex-girlfriend from my past told me to see things from a girls point of view, so I looked out the kitchen… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Speaking for myself, I try to go out there on the stage and make jokes with people, so I'm not really thinking… — Samantha Bee Copy Share Image
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, Mypenis, and the wife… — Kevin Copy Share Image
Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt… — Margaret Mahy Copy Share Image
Even in my revenge fantasy where all I do is exercise, I can still do only twenty-five pull-ups. Pull-ups are tough, no… — Mindy Kaling Copy Share Image
Humor is his defense mechanism, so that would allow me to talk about some serious subjects, but get a lot of hilarious… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke. — Craig Kilborn Copy Share Image
Fundamentalists can't take a joke. Ever. They want us to blindly obey, parrot everything they do, and believe in their dogmas. — Shahin Najafi Copy Share Image
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character, the less the audience cares - like… — Neil LaBute Copy Share Image
I'm kind of a rebound junkie. So. when a relationship goes sour, I look at the sweetness in life elsewhere. So, I… — Vir Das Copy Share Image
I always thought there was some cleverness to the joke diet in which you could eat as much as you want and… — Gene Weingarten Copy Share Image
It is an old baseball joke that big-inning baseball is affirmed in the Bible, in Genesis. "In the big inning, God created... — George Will Copy Share Image
If we were making a cop comedy about bad cops or cops who were comically bad at the jobs, then the jokes… — Daniel J. Goor Copy Share Image
Playing quarterback ... it's no joke ... The difference here with Johnny Manziel, there's a lot of style and very little substance. — Boomer Esiason Copy Share Image
“Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t feel good, and I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves. — Matt Haig Copy Share Image
Going to gym really sucks. But I calculated, and there's a good news - I only have to go 9,972 times before… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
"My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is they never wink back." It's kind of the perfect joke because it's a… — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
