I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
I used to always crack jokes in class. I was a good liar and a good talker. I was just good. I… — Drake Copy Share Image
God gave us the miracle of life - sustaining water, & we turned it into Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi & Vodka. Good job, Morons. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Surrealism is anathema for me. Because the surrealists made a joke of everything. And I consider life a tragedy. — Louise Bourgeois Copy Share Image
Cocks are a lot like ovens. You would rather a woman was operating it but sometimes you have to use it yourself. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
We live in a world with "free" content, and this freedom is not an imperfection. We listen to the radio without paying… — Lawrence Lessig Copy Share Image
I think having a good life prompts it... anybody who has a good life and looks around them sees the enormous disparity… — Nicole Holofcener Copy Share Image
One of the great things about humor is, you can slip things past people with humor, you can use it as a… — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
“He had a curiously stunted sense of humor and loved practical jokes that veered dangerously close to cruelty. Once on a hot… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
Stand-up life is really hard. At one point, I got so paralyzed I could write five screenplays before I could write three… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Octavia Spencer rocks. But just as a human being, she's so down-to-earth. Talk about being pleasantly surprised. You walk onto set, and… — Ciara Bravo Copy Share Image
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns,… — Babloo Copy Share Image
"You two would make a cute couple," she says as she passes by with a full dough tray in her arms. I… — A.S. King Copy Share Image
I always remember writing a page of jokes for a comedian and handing it to him backstage at a club and he… — Garry Marshall Copy Share Image
I don't think there would be many jokes, if there weren't constant frustration and fear and so forth. It's a response to… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because… — Wanda Sykes Copy Share Image
The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I think that the joke and the ghost story both have a similar set up in that you kind of set something… — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I'm not used to be the adult. I'm not very good at being the adult. To some regard, I wanted to just… — Jamie Linden Copy Share Image
I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there's no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path… — Paul Mooney Copy Share Image
“Shakespeare drew a map of the human mind as clearly as Newton mapped the heavens. Wht is one considered science and the… — Sebastian Faulks Copy Share Image
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
All the truly great stand-ups say, 'I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my… — Patton Oswalt Copy Share Image
Being anti-war in Hollywood was an act of bravery on the order of the keynote speaker at a PLO dinner making jokes… — Ann Coulter Copy Share Image
Girl:How Much Do you Love me? Boy: My heart is a mobile and u r its SIM. Girl:Ooh God... I m Soo… — DEV Copy Share Image
I was an athlete growing up and I miss that. I miss hanging out with dudes and making raunchy jokes and telling… — Chris Pratt Copy Share Image
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a… — Warren Farrell Copy Share Image
People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it… — John Oliver Copy Share Image
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
I did many other things before I ever got into the movies. I've been in so many businesses, it's a joke. All… — Sean Connery Copy Share Image
You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a… — Brian P. Cleary Copy Share Image
Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why three? Husband: 1 For… — Vinesh Copy Share Image
Donald Trump was seen for quite a long time as a punchline, the jokes about the excesses and the failures of the… — Timothy L. O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you’re (linguistically) dead.” — David Crystal Copy Share Image
I'm not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this… — Samantha Ronson Copy Share Image
