I just killed a spider and there's blood everywhere because the spider was on my wife's face. I'm a murderer, guys. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?” “It’s Frodo,” he said over… — Eric Edstrom Copy Share Image
I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do. — Ann Coulter Copy Share Image
Querida, it's alright," he said. "No one has hurt me in years." "Hey, you're supposed to be my brother," I said, trying… — L.A. Weatherly Copy Share Image
There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment.… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Fat Chicks always talking bout sitting on somebody's Face.... Bitch that's Attempted Murder! — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. — J. B. Smoove Copy Share Image
The only basis for even talking about global warming is the predictions spewed out by computer models. The only quote/unquote "evidence" of… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
“Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It's so funny when your at the office party and you crack a joke and your laughing at yourself because you created… — Daryn Copy Share Image
Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing… — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set… — Kevin Sorbo Copy Share Image
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I am edgy, raw, offensive, vulgar, untruthful, but intelligent. My jokes are always realistic. I do not make fun of children or… — Vir Das Copy Share Image
“He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Most of us have participated in the trust exercise in which one person falls back and is caught by a peer. Even… — Rafe Esquith Copy Share Image
Women are not children. We are not fragile little birds who can't cope with jokes, works of art, or controversial speakers. — Christina Hoff Sommers Copy Share Image
The smallest decisions made had such profound repercussions. One ten-minute wait could save a life… Or end it… One wrong turn down… — Sherrilyn Kenyon Copy Share Image
Magic is an exercise of a pattern of thought (sometimes represented by a gesture, ritual, or the calling of a true name)… — Helen Oyeyemi Copy Share Image
It's the fun part 'cause you don't have any of the real heavy-lifting to do. You just come in and shout and… — Justin Theroux Copy Share Image
The reasons I never set out to do a talk show is they're formulaic. People come out, tell jokes and read questions.… — Harry Connick, Jr Copy Share Image
Girlfriend giving house directions 2 her boyfriend Come to the front gate of my apartment where you drop me, Look for flat… — Shadawcatt Copy Share Image
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than… — Malcolm Muggeridge Copy Share Image
I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes. — Al Madrigal Copy Share Image
I believe reality is a marvelous joke staged for my edification and amusement and everybody is working very hard to make me… — Terence McKenna Copy Share Image
All of Creation’s a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted Like wind-blown smoke. Life… — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
His brothers could tease him about his height or the number of scars he was collecting on his body. He could take… — Shannon Hale Copy Share Image
I've heard every pie joke in the book. I'm still waiting for an original one. — Jason Biggs Copy Share Image
teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or… — David Levithan Copy Share Image
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist - Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of… — Karen DeCrow Copy Share Image
Depending on what my job requirement is, my techniques change. If something is incredibly difficult to connect to, and painful, then I… — Adrien Brody Copy Share Image
