Jimmy Kimmel

My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.

— Jimmy Kimmel

I wish Vine had Tivo. Who can sit through all that?

— Jimmy Kimmel

“Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch…

— Jimmy Kimmel

I only get unusual ailments.

— Jimmy Kimmel

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed…

— Jimmy Kimmel

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that…

— Jimmy Kimmel

I don't want to ruin it for you, but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vivious atomic wedgie.

— Jimmy Kimmel

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't…

— Jimmy Kimmel

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

— Jimmy Kimmel

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

— Jimmy Kimmel

If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to read.

— Jimmy Kimmel

The TSA downgraded the threat level for flights between the U.S. and England from severe to high. So if you're nervous about…

— Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We're just trying to take back…

— Jimmy Kimmel

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

— Jimmy Kimmel

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

— Jimmy Kimmel

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in…

— Jimmy Kimmel

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

— Jimmy Kimmel

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

— Jimmy Kimmel

I get product placement and everything, but I'm sorry, Superman's father was NOT named Purell.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Adam doesn't need a partner, the guy is just funny. He has a strong opinion on almost every topic. You can ask…

— Jimmy Kimmel

I never imagined being on television.

— Jimmy Kimmel

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of…

— Jimmy Kimmel