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“You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.”

Jimmy Kimmel

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My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.

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I wish Vine had Tivo. Who can sit through all that?

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“Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman…

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I only get unusual ailments.

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No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

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Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be…

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At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the…

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I don't want to ruin it for you, but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vivious atomic wedgie.

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When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember…

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You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

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If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to read.

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The TSA downgraded the threat level for flights between the U.S. and England from severe to high. So if you're nervous about taking a…

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I'm a workaholic, but I also like to vacation.

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I've also directed, shot, and edited several music videos.

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I'm not against gay people. I have a relative who is also gay. We can't help it if they were born that way.

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I like 'The Usual Suspects'. Great film. I also like 'Scarface', films like that. Lots of gangster films. I really like watching all kinds…

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