Jokes Quotes · Page 50

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

— Nikhil Saluja

I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

— Chris Hardwick

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.

— Anonymous

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

— Paul Rudd

I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.

— Rip Taylor

I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.

— David Brenner

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

— Desi Arnaz

I often joke that I straddle psychosis and neurosis, and that being an artist keeps me in the middle, so I can…

— Sam Taylor-Wood

The Sopranos' is filled with really retrograde humor. Bathroom humor, falls, stupid puns, bad jokes - infantile, adolescent stuff, but it makes…

— David Chase

There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a…

— Jo Brand

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before.…

— Aries Spears

The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and…

— Bill Maher

The ones that learn by reading…… The few who learn by observation….. The rest of them have to pee on the electric…

— Nikhil Saluja

I honestly and truly love and believe in what I'm making, and it's not a joke, whereas some people would take a…

— Casey Spooner

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was…

— Anonymous

Youre so ugly, when you were born, the doctor said Wheres the baby? Youre so ugly, when you were born, your parents…

— Curly

I did get good enough to get on HBO's Young Comedians Special, but I certainly wasn't the person who got launched off…

— Judd Apatow

You've noticed that same joke told by two different people, once works, and the other time doesn't, simply because how the person…

— Abbas Kiarostami

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to…

— Mark Twain

Life as such has to be taken as a cosmic joke - and then suddenly you relax because there is nothing to…

— Rajneesh

What am I doing with my life am I living it or am I just going to some hum drum job that…

— Kai Greene

Everyone seems to assume that the unscrupulous parts of journalism will be the frivolous or jocular parts. This is against all ethical…

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

It's easy to play fun forms, surfaces, and languages against each other. Teenagers do this every day, producing winning memes from random…

— Torbjørn Rødland

I'm not freakishly short. I had, on my show, used shortness as a joke subject; it didn't really bother me.

— Dick Cavett

“Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.

— Graham Kennedy

I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.

— Marilyn Monroe

You know what they say about men with big feet...big socks.

— Mario Tomasello

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

— Joan Rivers

Halloween: Is one night of the year when all households save the most on their electricity bill.

— Anonymous

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

— Nikhil Saluja

I feel sorry for those who don't have a sense of humor, imagine the decades they're missing on out.

— Anonymous

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

— Carol Leifer

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

— Nikhil Saluja

Her teeths is real nice until I found out they was FAKE!

— Tee Shepard

In some countries being president is just an honorary position --like being a husband in Hollywood.

— Nikhil Saluja

Roses are red violets are blue if your parents said that you are beautiful they're lying you.

— Gothsynster

Jon's mother had three kids named Penny, Nickel and __????__. You'll be amazed how many people get this wrong.

— Justin Mccloskey

Black and Mexican jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— Anonymous