Jokes Quotes · Page 49

The jokes that take my last name and equate them to a sex act ... is a really cruel thing to do.

— Monica Lewinsky

“Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

— Bill Burr

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

— Chinese Proverbs

Anything traumatic in my life I've always dealt with through jokes and comedy.

— Paul Rudd

Your mama is so stupid, she kept turning left to avoid the wrong turn sign

— Anonymous

Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways.

— Mike Birbiglia

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration,…

— Jack Benny

Of course, there are the old hardcore teacher types like me who sit around and tell jokes, realizing, what's the difference anyway…

— Frederick Lenz

A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class…

— Melchor Lim

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you…

— Stephen Colbert

Completely committed to adapting 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. This is not a joke. Christian Grey and Ana: potentially great cinematic characters.

— Bret Easton Ellis

Most young comedians would be lying to say that they weren't huge Weird Al fans when they were kids. Weird Al is…

— Trevor Moore

Surprise makes a joke funny. I love it when someone tells me something I couldn't possibly have expected; you've been led along…

— Josie Long

I have a problem with telling jokes about physics. Quite often the audience have no idea what you are talking about and,…

— Robin Ince

It’s the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now they will say we, with our…

— Stephen Fry

Even when there's not a joke or a hook, the first line has to be good and snapem to attention. Songs ain't…

— Dan Bern

Jokes often arise involuntarily, like dreams, and tend to be swiftly forgotten. From these similarities Freud inferred that jokes and dreams share…

— Jim Holt

It's a great historical joke that when the Spanish met the Aztecs, it was a blind date made in serve-you-right heaven. At…

— A. A. Gill

Whereupon a strange euphoria came over me. Not only was I exiled, paralyzed, mute, half deaf, deprived of all pleasures, and reduced…

— Jean-Dominique Bauby

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come…

— Jokes4all

I went to London a lot as a young designer because London was a major inspiration, not only for the clothes but…

— Jean Paul Gaultier

Finnick:" Good to see you, Peeta." Peeta:" You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from…

— Suzanne Collins

I don't have a twitter account. A twitter account have me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like there to be a joke in practically every photo I take. Nobody has the right to make photography boring.

— Norman Parkinson

You step in with the Seth Rogens of the world, you better have some jokes.

— Charlie Hunnam

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

— Sandra Bernhard

“Alec said you do that," said Jace. "Deflect questions about yourself with jokes.”

— Cassandra Clare

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes.

— Bruce Forsyth

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

— Anthony Jeselnik

When I said You look terrific. I really meant Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I ever let my head fall.. I promise , I would be simply admiring my shoes

— Mercy Pheona

No Offense Means, I'm About To Insult You, But Dont Get Mad.

— Pacifiersucker

I think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.

— Bill Burr

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

— Kevin

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

— Anonymous

Gasp Reflex : The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

— Werner Heisenberg

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

— Joan Rivers