Jokes Quotes · Page 51

For all my haters, I just want you to know that there's no medicine for insecurities so better commit suicide!

— Nikhil Saluja

“I am a kind of joke, but the question is: which kind? My job is to keep everyone guessing.”

— Gary Shteyngart

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing!

— Tanya Bianco

If I can't joke about imminent death, then I might as well just resign.

— James A. Owen

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

— Nikhil Saluja

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

— Artie Lange

“The best jokes in life, are the lies that have come out of your mouth”

— Melinda

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

— Dave Attell

So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's…

— Sam Kinison

If it's just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It's not really even about the impression so much. It's about…

— Frank Caliendo

People are too lazy and too stupid to think for themselves that we've got sitcoms with canned laughter that let's you know…

— Marilyn Manson

Humor is the spiciest condiment in the feast of existence. Laugh at your mistakes but learn from them, joke over your troubles…

— Lucy Maud Montgomery

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

— Milton Berle

Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism.

— Louis C. K

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then…

— Joan Rivers

You have to begin to develop a repertory of jokes, multi-plane spiritual jokes, the sort of things the Zen masters tell each…

— Frederick Lenz

This is a funny story. We'd asked the guards every day for cappuccino. You know, just as a joke. And they'd come…

— Martha Stewart

And what if we’d been utterly open? Made jokes about the first wife? What if we’d been that kind of family? Well,…

— Sue Miller

It happened: the first 9/11, it happened on September 11, 1973, in Chile. We did it. Was that interfering or hacking a…

— Noam Chomsky

I came across an old story of mine that I'd written a decade ago. The main joke of the story is that…

— Alexander Weinstein

I guess Trump is joke-worthy more than ever because he's the president. I think Donald Trump being president is more about where…

— Michael Che

I don't like my wrestling or entertainment in general to be too clean or predictable for me as a fan. When I…

— Dean Ambrose

I have never fit into this town, this marriage, this skin. I am the child who was picked last to play tag;…

— Jodi Picoult

When I started in television, it was brand new. It was the miracle over in the corner of your room. Now the…

— Betty White

As a comedian, frankly, I don't care that much about bad jokes.

— Dave Rubin

There were many times when I kept silent about being Jewish as I got older, when Jewish jokes were told.

— William Shatner

Tell people the truth, they laugh. The truth is so tragic they have to pretend it's a joke.

— Lucille Kallen

I love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. I've got no plans to stop doing it.

— David Alan Basche

I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream.

— Nikhil Saluja

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

— Anonymous

Call me Meier," Goring said, but he did not pause to explain the joke .

— Philip Jose Farmer

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

— Jay Leno

Jokes are always better than promises. Because jokes are half meant, while promises are half lies.

— Anonymous

My Instagram got deleted a lot of times. I used to do rough jokes and curse a lot.

— Cardi B

Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!

— Lee Hsien Loong

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life's full of difficult choices…Call her back?...or Call of Duty?…decisions, decisions.

— Arjun Loveable

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

— Anonymous