Jokes Quotes · Page 47

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

— Anonymous

My best tweets are when someone take them personnel & instantly unfollow me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I been listening to Rick Ross and all the guy raps about is cars he can't even fit in.. WTF

— Kevin McCarty

“The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.”

— Richard Brinsley Sheridan

He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

— Georg Brandes

We're not going to have a wall [on Southern border] like now which is either non-existent or a joke.

— Donald Trump

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

— Bob Edwards

“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The storyboard artists job is to plan out shot for shot the whole show, write all the dialog, and decide the mood,…

— Craig McCracken

“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I used to think it was so funny that plankton was married to his computer, but now I realized that's probably my…

— Sponge Bob

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude…

— Nikhil Saluja

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and…

— Carlos Mencia

I like to joke that I started writing long poems out the anxiety over ending and starting poems. It just seemed easier…

— Alison Hawthorne Deming

If you only cute with make up on...then you're not cute, you're just good at face painting. You should do kids parties...you're…

— Kathy Woodson

I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with…

— Zach Braff

I believe fully in making fun of children. I believe very strongly that you should never make fun of an embryo or…

— Kathy Griffin

The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could…

— Woody Allen

The place that I worked I used to joke about it. There was a, every morning at 10:30 I'd come into work…

— Al Kooper

If I make a joke about black people or Asian people or whatever, and then an Asian comes up to me afterwards…

— Brad Williams

Nate Silver says this is a 73.6 percent chance that the president is going to win? Nobody in that campaign thinks they…

— Joe Scarborough

The humanists' replacement for religion: work really hard and somehow you'll either save yourself or you'll be immortal. Of course, that's a…

— David Bowie

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done You can tune me out, you can click me…

— Joan Rivers

If climbing the highest mountain on earth is the only way for him to be mine.. then I'd rather go shopping!

— Anonymous

I've never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.

— Penn Jillette

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

— Don Rickles

“They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”

— Bob Monkhouse

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.

— Dolly Parton

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.

— Abraham Lincoln

I wish my monkey was a drug dealer like in The Hangover Part II.

— Jeremy Limn

If I don't know what true love is, how will I ever find it?

— Nikhil Saluja

I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.

— Norman Wisdom

When a woman agrees to give her husband head for no reason --- there is a reason.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

— Jimmy Carr

Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy.

— Benjamin Franklin

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

— Anonymous

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

— Nikhil Saluja

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world.

— Piero Scaruffi

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

— Monica Piper