Jokes Quotes · Page 45

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

— Henny Youngman

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

— Sam Ewing

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.

— Anonymous

I'm one of the people who actually laughs at everyone else's jokes!

— Russell Howard

Ladies: Men wouldn't cheat if you did a little less nagging, and a little more gagging.

— Nikhil Saluja

[Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie's function in his life. She was God's joke on him.

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress.

— Lil Wayne

Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.

— Carey Williams

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive…

— Neil Gaiman

Remember that Cosby show where he harrassed the children? Well I put on a little suit and because I am so small…

— Thom Yorke

So many people joke that life with me - a professed lifelong penny pincher - must be tough. But [my husband] is…

— Michelle Singletary

I can’t be sure, of course, but I’d compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our…

— Stephenie Meyer

the whole point of muck-raking, apart from all the jokes, is to try to do something about what you've been writing about.…

— Jessica Mitford

I wouldn't want to be defined so much by comics or cartoons. My work is more narrative than that. If you take…

— Raymond Pettibon

[John Larroquette] is very generous as the star of a show. He always made sure that if we had a joke that…

— Julie Benz

My doctor said to me afterwards, 'When you were ill you behaved like a true philosopher. Every time you came to yourself…

— Bertrand Russell

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first…

— Harlan Coben

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder…

— Tina Fey

What makes our marriage holy, what makes it "set apart" and sacramental, isn't the marriage certificate filed away in the basement or…

— Rachel Held Evans

If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had…

— Gabourey Sidibe

“I remember watching an old Dracula movie once with Alphonse and having him laugh himself sick at the sight of a vamp…

— Karen Chance

I think people take Blink-128 more seriously now than they did before. And it's largely our fault because we called our records…

— Mark Hoppus

I tell this joke about Barack Obama is the best communicator of our generation: The guy reads a teleprompter better than any…

— Frank Luntz

We see how popular Bernie Sanders was, and it might have mattered. It might have made that Democrat ticket a little bit…

— Rush Limbaugh

Not to get all technical; but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution!

— Anonymous

Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.

— Rob Walton

We don't write jokes or anything, the furthest we'll go is we'll repeat certain jokes for the camera.

— David Dobrik

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

— Jeff Ross

I look at some 'Fast Shows' now and I just think, 'Where are the jokes?'

— Paul Whitehouse

Whenever fortune wishes to joke, she lifts people from what is humble to the highest extremity of affairs.

— Juvenal

There was always another side to a joke, the side of the victim.

— Graham Greene

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

— Bob Hope

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

— Steve Martin

I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea.

— Anonymous

The Grand Old Duke of York He had ten thousand men. His case comes up next week.

— Spike Milligan

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

— Anonymous

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

— Red Skelton

Sometimes I want to joke but my English isn't perfect. Sometimes people are wondering what I'm talking about.

— Alexander Ovechkin

“Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

— Daniel Tosh