I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman Five Copy Share Image
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman Christmas Copy Share Image
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. — Henny Youngman Credit card Copy Share Image
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman Arthritis Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Behinds Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Cards Copy Share Image
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman Ask questions Copy Share Image
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman Announcements Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I… — Henny Youngman Airline Copy Share Image
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to… — Henny Youngman Available Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Airline Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd… — Henny Youngman Benches Copy Share Image
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and… — Henny Youngman Bosoms Copy Share Image
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the… — Henny Youngman Bars Copy Share Image
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band,… — Henny Youngman Band Copy Share Image
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when… — Henny Youngman Beach Copy Share Image
