Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
“For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.” — Elizabeth Inchbald Copy Share Image
You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human. — Tavi Gevinson Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.” — Janet Mullany Copy Share Image
Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver.… — George Thorogood Copy Share Image
Yes, Gujaratis are humorous but that's not all there is to them. Gujaratis are independent, determined and very hardworking. — Paresh Rawal Copy Share Image
“More often than not, expecting to lose weight without first losing the diet that made the weight loss necessary is like expecting… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“If I fuck you, you’ll think all your prayers have been answered. I’ll make you see god, Middleton. I’ll make you think… — Eve Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing. — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
“He was not a tall man, but he was wide. His face was the color and texture of old leather boots, and… — Grahame Shannon Copy Share Image
Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers… — Clive James Copy Share Image
Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Listen up, Mount High-Hair," Gustav barked. "Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I've been… — Christopher Healy Copy Share Image
I read and learned and fretted more about Canada after I left than I ever did while I was home. I absorbed… — Will Ferguson Copy Share Image
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“I'll send three of Harnet's Di'taken. I have it on good authority that they think the sun shines out of my ass."… — Tanya Huff Copy Share Image
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean? — Nipsey Russell Copy Share Image
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake. — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
“Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet!” — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think I did a lot of humorous films when I was young, and they were No. 1 films. — Jane Birkin Copy Share Image
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? — Leo Durocher Copy Share Image
The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot. — Jack Butler Yeats Copy Share Image
“You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.” — Ivan Turgenev Copy Share Image
Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around. — Brooke Astor Copy Share Image
“Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs” — James Dashner Copy Share Image
