Humor Quotes by James Patterson

“What happened to your tan.”

— James Patterson

You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.

— James Patterson

“We'll, that's an evil smile..." Like”

— James Patterson

“Human skin hisses like a rattlesnake when it burns.”

— James Patterson

“If you wanted me to take a shower, you should have payed me ten bucks like you usually do!”

— James Patterson

“Happiness is seeing Bear Bluff in your rearview mirror, but you better look damn quick.”

— James Patterson

Basically, I have two speeds… Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

— James Patterson

Never underestimate the power of funny, it moves mountains.

— James Patterson

“My eyes flickered when I heard the Voice inside my head. (You mean you don’t have one? You can get ‘em at…

— James Patterson

Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA…

— James Patterson

“Remember that country singer on American Songster, the girl whose father only let her order ketchup, mustard, and relish at McDonald’s because…

— James Patterson

“Okay, so how, exactly, did I get into this mess—up onstage at a comedy club, baking like a bag of French fries…

— James Patterson

“The items on the counter in the shop had been pawned by a man who had used an American driving licence as…

— James Patterson

“And you're blind?" Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored. Were you born that way?" No." How did you become blind, uh,…

— James Patterson

“What?" I said, suspicion starting to rise in me. "When did they start coming after you?" "Was it— was it after the…

— James Patterson

“He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a…

— James Patterson

“Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to…

— James Patterson

“I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm…

— James Patterson

“We want Max to... breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies." Dead silence for quite some time.…

— James Patterson

“Uh-oh,' said Gazzy, but Angel was so nauseated she didn't have time to leap to a safe distance, or grab a gas…

— James Patterson