Humor Quotes by George Carlin · Page 4

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

— George Carlin

“I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed.…

— George Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

— George Carlin

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some…

— George Carlin

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's…

— George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

— George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.

— George Carlin

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

— George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

— George Carlin

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off…

— George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

— George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?…

— George Carlin

“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong.…

— George Carlin

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

— George Carlin

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

— George Carlin

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

— George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

— George Carlin

“And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the…

— George Carlin

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

— George Carlin

It's the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy.

— George Carlin

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over…

— George Carlin

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several…

— George Carlin

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,…

— George Carlin

“Sports fans eat shit.”

— George Carlin

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue…

— George Carlin