The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
