A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night, you're… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
