Funny facebook status Quotes · Page 35

That WTF moment when your toothpaste does a suicide dive off of your toothbrush

— Itsme867

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something

— Hussein Nishah

They say I'm like a big teddy bear. Ya I am, if that bear is Ted.

— Anonymous

I hate it when my friends add my other friends, who they dont know!

— Tanya Bianco

The blonde cowboy put glue on his six-shooters so he would always stick to his guns.

— Nikhil Saluja

Gasp Reflex : The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you

— Hussein Nishah

No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.

— Author Name

When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can…

— Anonymous

I have to continue reminding myself that it's Halloween so I can't rely on my instincts to shoot zombies in the head.

— Anonymous

You traded in your iPhone 4 for an extra half inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

— Hussein Nishah

Do not be too open minded...your brains might fall off.!!! . .from m.facebook.com/Jamstaquotes

— Jamsta E Ngugz

Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be…

— Aicel

Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are…

— Anonymous

That annoying moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by sayin something serious -_-

— Tanya Bianco

If I have ever said anything to insult you, please let me know, I might wanna say it again!

— Anonymous

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

— Nikhil Saluja

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved.

— Nikhil Saluja

If someone texts 'K', just reply with 'L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z'

— Anonymous

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

— Nikhil Saluja

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, living proof that women can take a joke;

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men...

— Caitlin Bower

For every girl without a guy, there's a guy without a girl

— Hussein Nishah

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sex with a long term partner - Standard life

— Nikhil Saluja

Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK…Get SET…TWERK!

— Anonymous

(._.)(|:)(.-.)(:|)(._.) They see me rolling, they hating.

— Anonymous

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous

Women love sex in the dark because they can't stand to see a man have a good time.

— Nikhil Saluja

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap that.'

— Anonymous

As bored and fed up as a grand national jockey reaching for top shelf porn

— Sparki Dee

If you mix up your sweet breath for your visine your going to have a bad day.

— Antonio

A woman can say more in a retweet, than a man can say in a tweet.

— Nikhil Saluja

The sad thing about facebook is it's more accurate than the weather man.

— Kayla Zmayefski

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

— Nikhil Saluja

Wedding dresses are white so the dishwasher will match the oven and the fridge.

— Nikhil Saluja

What does a horse eat? Hay. What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaay!

— Itsme867