My best tweets are when someone take them personnel & instantly unfollow me. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Yo mama's so stupid that she rubbed j!zz all over her face thinking it was Olay. — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
If you think you're having a bad day just picture a T-Rex trying to masturbate. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Oh, you say BRB Shower and never come back? Please tell me how much your water bill is. — Tanya Bianco Copy Share Image
I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Playing the stock market is very similar to playing the lottery, except you actually win sometimes at the lottery — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything… — Aicel Copy Share Image
Some people are really going all out for Halloween. The guy driving behind me even got sirens & flashing lights to go… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Instagram and nightclubs are where ugly people go to trick people into thinking they're hot. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you're going to act like a pussy, you should at least dress like one... Here I bought you the smallest dildo… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sign in a vegetarian restaurant: All we are saying is give peas a chance. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Changing your entire message because you don't know how to spell one word!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT AND I'M AT HOME ON FACEBOOK DON'T LAUGH SO ARE YOU... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've never killed an unfollower but I should definitely take a shot at it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When a girl says have fun She means have a horrible time without me. Not true... Maybe! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet. — Carlos Banks Copy Share Image
Crisis: When dinner is ready, I CRISIS, and my sister comes running. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you're ever feeling down, just remember that I'll always be there to feel you up. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Sometimes, the only thing left to do is to let go even if it's the hardest thing to do. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
