“Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her. "You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going… — Olivia Cunning Copy Share Image
“Julian smiled back, his full lips pulled back over white teeth as he rolled the blanket back a little bit. “Is he… — Hazel Blackthorn Copy Share Image
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
If you have achieved any level of success, then pour it into someone else. Success is not success without a successor. — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
Looking for soulmate. Description: Smart, funny, good-looking & loves to battle with lightsaber swords while making sound effects. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“You've got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants." "What the fuck does that even mean?" Hook demanded, then held up… — S.E. Jakes Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The Lazysphere - a working definition - is a group of bloggers who I won't name by name, but you can spot… — Steve Rubel Copy Share Image
In general, watching children's television is a dark and surreal descent into madness where the characters on the screen talk directly to… — John Green Copy Share Image
Normally, it's one or the other - a pretty, straight woman or a more charactery woman who isn't supposed to be attractive.… — Becki Newton Copy Share Image
“She wasn’t the only one who was overjoyed. Deacon had launched himself at Aiden—Aiden saintly St. Delphi—nearly knocking him backward, over a… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did,… — Terry Jones Copy Share Image
“The besom of reform hath swept him out of office, and a worthier successor wears his dignity and pockets his emoluments.” — Nathaniel Hawthorne Copy Share Image
5% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's very important to know when you're in a pissing match. And it's very important to get out of it as quickly… — Randy Pausch Copy Share Image
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Sometimes, when it's going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just… — David Nicholls Copy Share Image
I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It's funny, having the same name as someone. Me, Emma Watson and Emma Stone, the amount of times I've been called Emma… — Emma Roberts Copy Share Image
In 'House of Boys,' I wanted to be in drag. It was amazing to be in the middle of all these drag… — Udo Kier Copy Share Image
I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what… — Taylor Swift Copy Share Image
“Hell if I know. I’m twenty-six, single, just signed a year lease on an apartment…” She touched her eyebrows with her fingertips.… — Nicole Castro Copy Share Image
One of the things I love about Helena Bonham Carter is that she is ravishing, but she does as much as she… — Eileen Atkins Copy Share Image
“The Demon curled its lips back, revealing a double row of needle-sharp teeth. I considered changing my chosen course of action; I… — Robert Lynn Asprin Copy Share Image
“We wouldn't eat an important person like you. Sometimes we'll take a sailor, but —" He shrugged. "— so would you if… — Clive Barker Copy Share Image
While I am describing to you how Nature works, you won't understand why Nature works that way. But you see, nobody understands… — Richard P. Feynman Copy Share Image
Even 'The Inevitability of Death' is kind of a funny song more than anything. I mean, I thought it would be funny… — Gord Downie Copy Share Image
The funny thing that still cracks me up is when you get a grown man coming up to you shaking asking for… — Samantha Ponder Copy Share Image
“True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods… — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
I grew up as this very carefree, happy kid then things turnt darker for me. Maybe it was because I saw that… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining She said to her husband, Nobody loves me¦.nobody cares… — Babloo Copy Share Image
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
Gilbert Gottfried, I think, is just the most underappreciated comedian in the world. I think that he doesn't get enough credit for… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. "Everything… — Mrs. Patrick Campbell Copy Share Image
“Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.' 'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I… — Joss Stirling Copy Share Image
A mad man was seen with his head in a mail box man: excuse me sir..are you all right? What are you… — Dukilicious Copy Share Image
“It is so easy to let life go by us in its swift amusing course, that sometimes it hardly seems worthwhile to… — Christopher Morley Copy Share Image
As you approach the presidency, no one seems worthy of it, since it wasn't designed for a human in the first place. — Wilfrid Sheed Copy Share Image
