Funny Quotes by George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

— George Burns

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

— George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

— George Burns

Life's but a day at most.

— George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

— George Burns

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

— George Burns

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

— George Burns

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

— George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

— George Burns

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

— George Burns

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

— George Burns

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

— George Burns

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I…

— George Burns

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother…

— George Burns

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

— George Burns

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over…

— George Burns

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an…

— George Burns

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

— George Burns

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want…

— George Burns

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

— George Burns

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them.…

— George Burns

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice;…

— George Burns

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

— George Burns

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge…

— George Burns

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

— George Burns

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

— George Burns

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember…

— George Burns

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

— George Burns

Its hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was…

— George Burns

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

— George Burns

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

— George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

— George Burns

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

— George Burns

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

— George Burns