I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross Copy Share Image
Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English. — David Cross Copy Share Image
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross Copy Share Image
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective. — David Cross Copy Share Image
“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm” — David Cross Copy Share Image
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is… — David Cross Copy Share Image
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when… — David Cross Copy Share Image
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but… — David Cross Copy Share Image
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have… — David Cross Copy Share Image
What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But… — David Cross Copy Share Image
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing… — David Cross Copy Share Image
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people. — David Cross Copy Share Image
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine. — David Cross Copy Share Image
Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm… — David Cross Copy Share Image
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide,… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner. — David Cross Copy Share Image
There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I grew up in that minority. I grew up in the South, in Roswell, Georgia, and it was heavily white, Baptist, conservative. And the… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I think for a lot of people, it's just where their saturation point was. Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff and the… — David Cross Copy Share Image
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I still think that, hopefully, you're not ahead of the jokes, and I think that has value. There is a punchline and it's pointed… — David Cross Copy Share Image
You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy. — David Cross Copy Share Image
Most people who have kids are, "Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also,… — David Cross Copy Share Image
![“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.” quote by David Cross](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/bf1/david-cross-3386_blanket_on-the-dating-handbook-with-a-telescope_3033428.jpg)
![“I think for a lot of people, it's just where their saturation point was. Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff and the Republican stuff and the Ayn Rand followers, it doesn't let up for about half an hour. It gets hard and stays hard for a while.” quote by David Cross](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/dba/david-cross-3386_followers_i-think-for-a-lot-of-people-it-s-just-wh_76534.jpg)
